Filip Bondy: Who wins? Who loses? A glance into the crystal ball for 2023 in sports activities

So, you thought 2022 was a miserable 12 months for sports activities in New York? You don’t have any concept simply how unhealthy issues can get, till you learn this look-ahead for 2023.

Sure, we’re conscious… These doomsday predictions are getting a bit monotonous. However doom and gloom are the operative nouns round right here on the subject of sports activities. Few of our franchises ever end a season with a victory, though there are a number of paths to such a modest accomplishment:

A crew can win a championship or a bowl sport (nope).

A crew can fail to make the playoffs, however seize the final common season sport (not often).

An Ivy League college (we’ve acquired a kind of!) can win its final regular-season soccer sport, since Ivies don’t go slumming within the Idaho Potato Bowl.

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In New York, we managed a minimum of two such sorta-happy endings in 2022. The Knicks accomplished their dismal season final spring with a convincing, meaningless victory over Toronto, for a 37-45 document. Columbia’s soccer crew completed with three straight league triumphs and climbed all the way in which as much as fifth place — in an eight-school convention.

That was about it. Everybody else misplaced ultimately, particularly space followers.

How can it worsen? Simply. Accidents, turnovers, psychological errors, teaching blunders, possession scandals, hurricanes, pandemics, Kyrie Irving… the record is infinite. Fortunate for you, our compilation beneath solely encompasses 1,400 phrases.

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Right here’s a survival tip from this dependable sports activities prophet: Transfer to Philadelphia, instantly.

Jets fail to make playoffs once more, however Robert Saleh refuses to return receipts to critics. “Thought I had them in a drawer, however I can’t discover them proper now,” he says.

Met proprietor Steve Cohen buys complete Oakland Athletics roster for $25 million, then flips it to Pink Sox for $35 million.

Backyard’s facial recognition system identifies James Dolan as a persistent sourpuss.

Giants lose extra time playoff sport after Brian Daboll inexplicably orders a failed two-point try at finish of regulation, with rating tied. “I simply wished my gamers to like me once more,” he says. “Did it work?”

Alabama secedes from the Soccer Bowl Subdivision and declares civil warfare on Union Faculty in Schenectady.

Venus Williams falls 6-0, 6-0 in first spherical of Australian Open. Beneficial properties H&H bagel endorsement.

Rob Gronkowski makes a business for Makingdumbcommercials.com. “It’s very meta, however the test cleared,” he says.

Any person forgot to shut the January switch portal and now school soccer gamers are arriving from the Nineteen Fifties. This child Johnny Unitas seems fairly good.

Tremendous Bowl in Glendale ends with out a winner after Arizona state legislators refuse to certify closing rating. A prolonged recount begins.

Tremendous Bowl halftime present is canceled after Arizona state legislators refuse to certify Rihanna as singer.

Kyrie Irving is fairly certain the moon is merely a mirror reflection of the clock in his rest room. Additionally, he has a brand new shoe mannequin, an enormous hit. He calls it, “Irrational.”

Tom Thibodeau decides there may be extra to life than basketball and heads to the Himalayas for a journey of self-discovery.

Yankees open at dwelling in opposition to San Francisco and are understandably involved that Aaron Choose is taking batting apply with guests.

Knicks host “.500 Night time.” First 500 followers will get a bottle that’s half stuffed with water (or is it half empty?).

The Mets’ opener in Miami is postponed when an earthquake hits the Atlantic Ocean and pitcher Kodai Senga explains to officers that “tsunami,” in Japanese, means, “We’re all going to die.”

Up to date booster pictures now accessible to keep away from March Insanity.

Tom Brady declares he’ll return with “any crew that may have me” for the 2023 season. Giselle Bundchen declares engagement to Gronkowski.

Mets win delayed opener, as a result of they at all times win their opener. Donald Trump journeys on GPS ankle monitor whereas throwing out first baseball in digital telecast from Mar-a-Lago.

Jordan Spieth captures Masters. Credit use of scuba gear.

Underneath the NBA’s expanded postseason format, Delaware Blue Coats of G League remove Knicks in first spherical.

Jets choose 12 quarterbacks within the draft. Zach Wilson is listed as No. 13 on crew’s depth chart.

Steve Cohen recordsdata tax return and can get a left-handed reliever as his refund.

Giants and Jets should discover new dwelling after MetLife Stadium is totally destroyed by Taylor Swift followers. Each groups will open their 2023 season at Becton Excessive Faculty Athletic Area in Rutherford, pending logistical points.

Winner of LIV Golf Event at Donald Trump’s Washington D.C. course receives $4 million and 7 labeled paperwork.

Rangers are eradicated from playoffs however appropriately remind everybody that they’re nonetheless so much higher off than the Knicks.

New MLB anti-shift rule mandates two infielders on all sides of second base. However wily Buck Showalter has Mets’ grounds crew transfer second base to totally different areas earlier than the highest of every inning.

French Open is relocated to French Guiana, as a part of a brand new colonial rotation.

Aaron Choose breaks private document by being on the injured record for 63 straight video games.

Underachieving Mets fall to 35-45. An impressed Steve Cohen makes use of creative, “35-45 monetary system” to make one other fortune in hedge funds.

Nets lose in NBA Finals, however Kyrie Irving insists they gained. His inside-out jersey, “Contrarian,” is an enormous hit.

Tiger Woods fires a 64 in first spherical of U.S. Open at Los Angeles Nation Membership and solely has 4 extra holes to go.

A blue contact lens falls out of Max Scherzer’s proper eye, leaving two brown eyes. Mets null contract.

Devils win Stanley Cup, however trophy is misplaced someplace in baggage maintain at Newark Airport.

Lionel Messi leaves Paris Saint-Germain, reveals up weighing 240 kilos for his first sport with Inter Miami, and scores 5 targets.

Serena Williams un-retires, loses within the second spherical of Wimbledon. 5-year-old daughter Olympia surprises within the junior event.

Yankees shorten right-field fence to accommodate Bleacher Creatures, who can heckle visiting second basemen extra simply.

Now that he has in some way obtained one other new contract, Brian Cashman lastly relinquishes photographs he has of Hal Steinbrenner mapping plans with Vladimir Putin.

Pickle-golf craze takes off amongst Child Boomers. Total spherical may be performed on a 100-by-80-yard space. Augusta Nationwide converts Amen Nook to satisfy demand.

U.S. girls seize a fifth World Cup title, 5 extra titles than the lads, but coach Vlatko Andonovski’s wage continues to be lower than a 3rd of the lads’s coach. U.S. Soccer explains that males’s crew coach should take care of underachievers, so his job is extra demanding.

MLB permits managers to problem balls-and-strikes calls by umpires. Yankee-Pink Sox sport enters third day.

Steve Cohen travels into house with Elon Musk and Justin Verlander, for no explicit purpose.

Hal Steinbrenner reportedly makes stirring locker room speech after sauna at his nation membership.

Coach Saleh now says he discovered these receipts, however he’s conserving them so he can change some unfavorable reporters on the Journalism Retailer for extra constructive reporters.

New York Liberty correctly rejects concept of adjusting identify to Brooklyn Cheesecakes, leaving Nashville Predators with the worst, non-racist nickname in professional sports activities.

Novak Djokovic is banned from U.S. Open for not being Roger Federer or Rafa Nadal.

Aaron Choose finishes injury-plagued season with six homers, 12 RBI. His OPS is wonderful, nonetheless.

Yankees lose to Astros once more within the playoffs, however not earlier than Bronx followers make many nasty faces at Jose Altuve and really feel higher about themselves.

Saleh says Jets aren’t quitters, regardless of their six-game dropping streak. Fourteen Jets instantly demand commerce.

Kyrie Irving begins the brand new season sporting underwear on the skin. His over-underwear line, “Unbearable,” is an enormous hit.

Hal Steinbrenner asks Steve Cohen to undertake him. “You’re the daddy I at all times had,” Hal says.

Jets drop to 1-10. Saleh is informed by Woody Johnson to please take his receipts elsewhere.

NYCFC loses MLS Cup whereas internet hosting at its latest dwelling, the Cloisters.

Graham Gano kicks 74-yard discipline objective, nevertheless it doesn’t depend as a result of Daboll known as timeout. “I wished to freeze the defensive deal with,” the coach explains.

Giants commerce Daniel Jones to Jets for 12 quarterbacks, plus an eighth-round quarterback to be named later.

Steve Cohen’s new self-driving automotive steers itself to cut store throughout road from Citi Area and commits suicide.

Jet followers petition NFL to switch the crew’s dwelling video games with extra Taylor Swift live shows.

This prophet predicts some actually horrible issues for 2024, which occurs to be a Presidential election 12 months.